Coming back from Kenya I found myself for about a week drowning in what felt like despair, discouragement, confusion and even depression. I was still at my sisters house with no direction and no clear answer from the Lord as to where to move too. I had felt all these emotions before, I had been down this road and I didn’t want to go there again.
Going to Kenya helped me get my mind off of my current situation. Still staying at my sisters house fighting this fit of patience….waiting….waiting on the Lord to give direction to make sense of it all. Him telling me to move yet finding that way detoured for… a moment. Coming back of that high I was sure he would then finally speak as to what to do next but I felt I was getting was silence. Furthermore, to find out that my sister’s lease is now also up and she too has to be out by the end of this month . I was waking up having no drive, no motivation, no direction and my alone time with the Lord in the morning was feeling empty. I was being pelted with some many fiery arrows from the enemy that I was a loser, a bum, useless and worse of that this walk with the Lord has caused me to be a “burden” to the family. LIES, LIES, LIES. I kept getting question like what are you going to do, why dont you just get a job, when are you going to move, when are you getting a car? How could I explain that I now move when the Lord says move, I go where he tells me when he tells me, I work where he wants me to work and I use my money how he tells me…..but He just hasn’t said anything yet. Who would understand, to be honest I didn’t understand but I am learning that Trust in God has too supersedes my many whys.
Finally the Lord spoke, I had to repent of my bitter attitude, my unbelief, my ungratefulness, my frustration and my selfishness as he has called me to carry MY cross and follow him. Whatever may come trusting him and abandoning myself to his will that His promises are true, He is good and faithful. Jesus asked me “would you continue to follow and trust me despite what your family thinks, despite what people say, despite how you feel and what you see will you trust me”? I said “Yes Lord“. He reminded me to began counting my blessings for all that he had done and how far he has brought me since I surrendered to him and most importantly to be thankful for all that I do have. I felt him telling me that he has me hidden, for his use and that I may not know how he is using this time to build his kingdom but he is. He is using this time to build me in deep quite trust, faith, perseverance , endurance, peace and patience in him for the journey ahead.
I was reminded how many times we get frustrated with the Lord because of waiting, because of detours, roadblocks, and closed doors we feel like we are ready to walk through. How many times we get anxious in waiting on his promises for ministry, for marriage, in our families, in our careers, in our finances, or the work he promised to do in our heart. He has us hidden that’s all, and its a beautiful thing to be hidden by God for His purpose, for his use and for His timing, which is always perfect. In prayer I felt on my heart him say ” Just like you I kept David and Moses hidden. I was kept hidden by My Father for 30 years for only 3 years of public ministry. Premature public ministry could ruin you. In the hiddenness David learned my faithfulness, my strength and my power which caused him to worship me because of who I AM. In the hiddenness Moses learned my heart, my heart for mere sheep and my patience. He truly learned how I leave the 99 for that one. Which made him into a great shepherd for the sheep of Israel. I too had to learn in the hiddenness of my Father. I learned obedience and quite trust in his perfect will. Therefore in Gethsemane I was able to say not my will but yours be done”. So learning to trust the Lord in my hiddenness that He is in fact right here with me as I am learning to abandon myself daily to his will and trust that He has the answers. So when he wants me to know, I will know where to go, when to move, and what to do.
-From Jesus with Love